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Live Longer by Listening to These Suicidal or Death-theme Songs

If every human being in this world knew that there was no hell and only heaven existed, i am 100% sure we are all going to take turn blowing our head off with .45 calibre Glock.

Death is always a haunting subject for human. The mystery what will happen after we die never excites us. A detective story excites us. We eventually will figure out the mysterious puzzle. The story becomes slightly horror when the story ends and we never get the answer of the mysterious puzzle. The unknown scares us.

That is why I think people who do not fear death, but rather welcome it, can be considered to be brave people. I’m not celebrating death or even suicide. We have to realize that there are some people in this world have reached their lowest point in their life and try to give up their life. While some of them also have reached their lowest point and think, “Aarrgghh.. F**k it with my life. I want to meet my creator. Maybe i can give Him a nice punch on the face.”

I don’t support suicide. The beauty of every living thing is our relentless effort to avoid dying and more enjoying life. I’m a strong proponent of this; “Everyone has the right to commit suicide. We, the pro-life supporter, just have to hope that it is the dumbest one who blow their head off. Yes, blow their head off, not blow a freaking bomb vest.”

For people that is the extreme opposite of people with bomb vest i mention before, you also have the right to commit suicide. Who are we to judge your choice? We, pro-life supporter, are just a selfish people that can’t stand watching people commit suicide just because our higher-than-thou morality says so. In the end, there is nothing we can do to ease the pressure of your life. We won’t pay your debt. we couldn’t bring back your ex-girlfriend or make your crush falling in love with you. We don’t care about your problem. We just don’t want you to die so we don’t have to shed our tears.

I can’t solve your problem. I can recommend you great songs. These songs are not ordinary song. These songs are about a desire to suicide, a heartbreak, a loneliness, inability to feel love, things that become reason you want to leave this world. Yes, i am recommending you that kind of song. Why? I think maybe by listening to song that is relevant and understand your life somehow can make you feel alive even just for 3 to 5 minutes. I listen these songs on Youtube. I often read the comment on the video how this depression song not make you want to shorten your lifespan, rather enjoying it longer. I believe human have a tendency to revel in their sadness or pain. Armada’s latest song, Asal Kau Bahagia, is played for more than 100 million times. We indulge sadness.


Here are the songs i recommend to listen to when you are at the lowest point of your life, when there are no one you can’t or don’t want to share to, when you feel you want to stop walking.  Rest assured, Armada’s song will not be on the list.

  • The Smiths – Asleep

I’m tired and i want to go to bed

I instantly loved this song when i listened it for the first time when the song was played in a movie, The Perks of Being Wallflower. The lyric and the piano meets and are destined to be sung together. There are some song that you can replace the melody or the lyric and it will still be terrific song. This one is different. It’s like the melody of piano itself wrote the lyric. You can remove the lyric and you can still feel that whoever plays this piano is tired and want to sleep.

  • Nirvana – You know you’re right

I will move away from here. You won’t be afraid of fear

I once sang this song at the karaoke club. A friend of mine read the lyric displayed on the screen. It was the first time she listened to this Nirvana song.  She somehow understands what Kurt Cobain feels.  You know what the funny part was? The Karaoke club didn’t play the original song. It played the song in which the music arrangement was changed to typical Karaoke club music. It was like the song was played by wedding band, a low budget one. You didn’t feel the grunge or the rocking sound yet my friend still able to feel the weight of the song. After i finished singing the song, she, who didn’t sing the song, just stared and almost lost her appetite to do a karaoke.

  • Kendrick Lamar – Sing About Me, I’m Dying of Thirst

Promise that you will sing about me, promise that you wil sing about me

The song was played by Gaslamp Killer as a closing song in his DJ set at The Boiler Room London. Boy, i was hooked. I didn’ even pay attention to the lyric. Later, i searched the song and read the lyric. Kendrick lamar talks about anything in this song. You can feel his anger, fear and sadness.

  • Suicide Boys – All of their song

It’s not fair, i found love, it made me say that get back, you’ll never see daylight, if i’m not strong, it just might.They figure me a dead motherf**ker, but i’m just a motherf**ker that want to be dead.

The name of the band itself already consists suicide word. What else can i say?

  • Flying Lotus – Never Catch Me

I can see the darkness in me and it’s quite amazing. Life and death is no mystery and I wanna taste it

I think when Flying Lotus arranged and wrote the music, he just wanted to make a simple music that really sounds great. Until Kendrick Lamar stepped in and spat that words, giving this song a meaning to reach deeply our soul. The flow is buttery and no hesitation. Every word is on point. The lyric is dark and inviting our empathy, yet still sounds strong and powerful. Only Kendrick Lamar can deliver this sermon.

  • The Jam – Carnation

Touch my heart and feel winter. Hold my hand and be doomed forever

This song is the least sad song on my list. This song wouldn’t fit for a sad, death or even suicide scene in a movie. Depression, tired and lonliness can be a reason for someone to kill themselves . This song caters the need to some people that have different reason why they want to leave this world.  Kind of people that think they don’t deserve to live in this world because they are horrible person, a heartless, or a plain cold.

  • 10cc – I’m Not In Love

I’m not in love. So don’t forget it. It’s just a silly phase I’m going through

Actually, it’s a love song. I just like the music. Try to play this song when you want to jump from a roof or hang your neck. This song can be a great soundtrack for your death scene. I just believe that when the song is played and finished, you will think, “ hmmm.. nope. Not today. I will try again next time.”

  • John lennon – Genius Is Pain

genius is pain, genius is pain, genius is pain, genius is pain, genius is pain!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! OHHHHH!!

It’s not a sad song. It’s not a love song. It’s not even John Lennon song. It’s a parody song. This song is sung by Tony Hendra doing impersonation of John Lennon with lyric based on John Lennon interview. I listened the music and read the lyric. It’s a beautiful song. I almost believed that John really sang this song. Then i read the comment, some people found the song hilarious because they knew that the song was for humor only. In spite of the humor intention, this song packed with emotion. You want to sing this song at the top your lung with replacing some part of the lyric, making it more relevant to you. John Lennon will be proud to have this kind of music.

I believe there are tons of music that talks about suicide or death i haven’t mentioned. I just want to share music that somehow helped me not falling to that pitch dark of sorrow. I instantly love these songs in the first 5-10 seconds listening. It rekindled the little hope that still resides in me.

I know it sounds freak to write post about suicidal or death-theme song. Has that thought ever crossed my mind? To commit suicide? No. Not a chance. Aside from religion reason, I’m scared of death. Thinking of it sends chills down my spine. I’m a sore loser on this one.

I’m not saying that these songs will likely to help you. Maybe all you need, or we need, is just having a relation to this world. At the moment we can not relate to anything in this world, we don’t have any reason to live longer. I just want to say that even people around you have no significance on your life, these songs prove otherwise. Music helps you in a different way that human can not do.

Armada’s song is played for hundred million times on Youtube. I bet those people prefer to listen Armada’s song played repeatedly for straight 1 hours than share their love story to other people.

Bicara Topik

The Darkest Superhero Movie


Logan leaves a big hole on my chest

This post is neither a review nor a film discussion like my other film post. It is more like an impression that i felt during and after watching Logan. Personally, Logan is not really my favourite film. I couldn’t find anything interesting for me  to revisit this film.   No single scene in this film that i want to search and watch it again on Youtube. Logan exhhausts and depresses me.


When it comes to superhero film, no matter how good or bad the film is, i can always find a scene or moment that kindles the inner kid inside me to watch it again for numerous times on Youtube. Wheter it is the coolness, the funny, the silly or the baddass of the scene. I have soft spot on superhero theme,  CGI effect or action scene. Logan is different beast.

Long before i watched the film, i already raped the replay button of Logan trailer on Youtube. The trailer was so good that i thought the film will not even reach the greatness of the trailer. I’ve known the positive review cheering for this film.  I was prepared and ready for this film.

A few minutes kicks in, the film already drags me in to the deep abyss of depression and madness of its characters. Throughout watching the film, i thought to myself It is not a superhero film, it is something else.

I saw Wolverine is in a deep depression and Professor X suffer brain disease, turn him into madness old man -if he doesn’t take the drug- while lived and being treated by a mutant unknown its origin and background.  Wolverine and Professor X are probably the longest comic superheroes still appeared on the big creen in the same timeline and universe for over 17 years from the first X-Men film. Since the characters were played by the same actors,  i felt more connected to them.

In previous films, we saw Wolverine kicking ass along with other fellow cool and powerful mutants. Professor X can even kill entire human race with the help of Cerebro. X-men films is more like a display of cool badass motherfucker character with specific power. When there is a new character, we are always wondered and surprised by their special ability or power. They seemed to be undefeatable which is why the conflict often revolves around their own community.

I watched Logan and i couldn’t believe it is an X-men Film. The mutants remained only 3 of them and they are helpless. There is no more mutant with godlike power. During the film, i constantly say to myself “C’mon, Wolverine. Heal yourself. Tear them apart.  C’mon Professor X. Use the Telepath power. It can’t be happening. It is jus a nightmare. Where is Storm? Where is Cyclop, Jean Grey, Magneto? I bet these bad corporate guys will be wiped out by their friends single-handedly.”  I’m just like a kid shouted to his superhero.

Wolverine and the gang had prevented the rise of mutant killing robot, Sentinel, in X-Men: Days of Future Past. The depiction of the future in Logan is still far more horrifying than depiction in the future in X-Men the Days of Future past. The Future in X-Men DoFP is set in night, but Logan is still darker and bleaker even most of the time in film is day time. Maybe because the extinction of mutant is presumably caused by the most natural way: no more mutant born (which is not the reason why they extinct), so the characters think that mutant is not an evolution thing, it is just God’s mistake and there is no way they would turn back time once again.

The alienation and their hope to buy the mysterious Sun-Seeker are 2 of the things that depresses me the most. No true despair without hope. Logan has to travel far away from the crowd just to go home and treat his long friend. 2 old men wants to buy something to feel peace tells so many things about the world and the character in this film. What sadden me is these 2 old man were super powerful mutant that once i rooted for.

Logan doesn’t try to look cool or even what’s great is that it doesn’t try to over dramatize things. It is bleak just the way it is. Logan is a total opposite of X-Men Film or even any Superhero film. Aarrggh it is painful. Hiks.. ☹

Sekedar Berbincang dengan Otak Saya

Random Note

Just as the title says, it’s just a random note. Don’t take it seriously.


Catatan 21 oktober 2015
Look for someone
See no one there
And the wide space is dangling
And I just phantasize

The beat of my heart
The life I adore
The dead inside me
The harddened lone soul

Catatan 21 oktober 2015
Questioning things
Never demand anything
Why pressure?
Feed your own ego
Your pathetic life longs attention
seek it yourself!
Pity you, Brainless impulsive
Shallow mind
Enslaved to desire
I wish life is just eat and sleep

Catatan 20 september 2015
The sun stares at nothing
No shadow
Only light and endless black
A shining sun, an arrogant one
A pure black, a hollow one
The sun heats up
Still black
The sun is blazing
The sun is burning
But the only thing it burns is itself
It grows stronger
and smaller
And insignificant
And unworthy
a dot on black paper

A Blackhole in empty space

Gerimis mesra

Saya menyebutnya gerimis mesra. Turun di siang hari, tidak deras, hanya rintik-rintik dan memberikan kesejukan. Cuaca yang membuat kita ingin memeluk seseorang, atau setidaknya sesuatu. Suasana dan warna hari ikut berubah mengikuti hujan yang sendu ini. Langit menggelap, tetapi tidak segelap malam untuk mengingatkan hari sudah pagi. Saya tahu Tuhan pasti moodnya sedang baik saat menurunkan hujan ini. Bagi masyarakat Jakarta, cuaca sudah seperti perwujudan emosi Tuhan. Jika hujan turun atau bahkan deras, orang-orang kerap menganggap Tuhan sedang emosi atau sedang memberikan hukuman. Padahal gerimis mesra tidak menunjukkan emosi apa-apa. Menurut saya, Tuhan sedang memainkan tempo hari-hari manusia Jakarta. Jika ada hari-hari di mana cuaca sangat panas sekali atau hujan deras, Tuhan sedang memainkan tempo cepat. Kita buru-buru sampai di tempat agar secepatnya mendapat kesejukan atau berteduh sambil menggerutu dan khawatir akan rumah kita banjir atau tidak. Sedangkan untuk memainkan tempo lambat, Tuhan memberikan gerimis mesra. Kita berjalan tidak terlalu cepat karena jalanan sedikit becek, tapi tidak menghentikan aktifitas karena cuaca ini masih bisa ditempuh.
Bagi saya, gerimis mesra ingin mengatakan kepada kita manusia-manusia, “hey, pelan-pelan saja. Tidak ada yang perlu dikhawatirkan kok.”

Dan seperti yang sudah saya ungkapkan di atas, gerimis mesra membuat kita ingin memeluk seseorang. Seakan-akan Tuhan ingin mengingatkan dengan gerimis mesra ini, kita harus memiliki orang orang yang kita sayangi untuk dipeluk.

Gerimis mesra merupakan bukti bahwa Tuhan bisa adil. Bagi yang berada di dalam gedung atau kendaraan, mereka mendapatkan kesejukan lebih. Bagi mereka yang kurang beruntung, berada di luar, setidaknya tidak perlu menghirup racun di udara yang semakin mencekik. Mereka mendapatkan kesegaran pernapasan dan pemandangan. Ya, pemandangan. Menyenangkan memandang ekspresi orang-orang di luar saat gerimis mesra. Ada sedikit ketenangan di raut mereka. Di Jakarta yang ambisius dan emosional ini, memandangi orang-orang seperti ini saja sudah cukup melegakan. Jakarta yang basah dan indah.
Nb: kekurangan gerimis mesra adalah kita tidak bisa melihat rok mini seperti di hari yang panas, atau baju yang basah dan nyeplak seperti hari hujan turun. (Abaikan kalimat ini jika anda tidak memiliki selera humor)

Catatan 26 maret 2014

sebuah kejahatan menyebut alam suka menyeleksi

Sejauh yang saya tahu, alam tidak pernah mengatakan kalau ia suka menyeleksi. Saya rasa alam pun tersinggung jika apa yang selama ini ia lakukan disebut seleksi. Alam mungkin akan bilang, “Hey, ini bukan saya yang menyeleksi. Ada yang mati, ada yang hidup. Ini bukan soal pilihan. Itu sudah hukumnya seperti itu. Kalau tidak ada yang mati, jadi apa dunia ini? Kalian ini manusia yang selalu self-centered. Kalian senang menyeleksi, berkompetisi dan memberikan gelar “kalah-menang”, lalu kalian lantas memberikan label “seleksi alam” terhadap apa yang kita lakukan selama ini? Kami disamakan dengan perilaku manusia yang masih sangat belia ini? Seleksi alam? Kenapa tidak sekalian kalian katakan saja “gairah alam”, “hawa nafsu alam” atau “perjudian alam” bagaimana? Terdengar sangat manusia bukan?…..

Catatan 19 juli 2014
Socrates: Ok. Here’s the thing. I confuse. How can people nowadays easily bear this non stop flooding of information from the internet? Aren’t their heads exploding? I myself was already overwhelmed by the ethic and wisdom of my people in Greece. I didn’t even have a time to write a single book. Or is it me that really stupid?

Jesus: it’s simple. We set bad examples for them, Socrates.

Jesus takes small log. He carefully sees the log. He takes a knife and starts to carve the log.

Jesus: You said you were overwhelmed by the ethics and wisdom of your people and then you were questioning them. And what did it lead you to? Death sentence. That goes the same for me. I was executed because I answered too much.

Socrates: Do you mean what we did was meaningless?

Jesus: No, it means something. It means having sense of curiosity and the need of seeking the answer is dangerous. And if there was a question, the courage to answer it had already died. It died at the cross. It died in the glass that you drink.

Socrates: So are you saying people would still gobble any information they receive?

Jesus: Socrates, there’s a reason why you were born long before digital era. For example, let me take you back to my time. Following my birth, miracles and execution, people had 3 choices to believe. Believe me as a God, prophet or ordinary human (Read: fake prophet). Whichever they believe me as, unfortunately, they didn’t use their heads really much. They took my words lightly and literally. Hatred, pain suffering and goes on to this day. The crusade? (Chuckles) They pick what they want to believe and the logic comes after that. Just like your beloved king.

Socrates: My beloved king… But wait a minute. Since you mention it. What do you want human to believe you as? God, prophet, or ordinary human? You were mentioning logic, and my logic is having trouble believing you as God or even a prophet. Did you really die at the cross?

Jesus sees this conversation will be endless. So Jesus leaves Socrates just as he did to pharisees. Socrates can only look him from behind and questioning Jesus’s ethic.

Catatan 16 juni 2014

Saya adalah pedang panas. Tidak perlu menyayat daging lemahmu untuk merasakan panas pedang yang mendidih ini. Sentuh saja dengan ujung jarimu yang kau rasa paling bersih. Sentuh sedikit dengan halus dan pelan. Panas ini akan lelehkan kulitmu.

Pedang ini berpendar merah. Panas api yang membakar masih tertinggal. Jangan pura-pura dungu! Tangan dinginmu yang membakar pedang ini. Pedang ini memutuskan untuk meresap panas api itu. Membiarkannya berpendar agar indera penglihatanmu mengizinkan pikiran mengimajinasikan panasnya.
Lihatlah dengan sedikit empatimu yang miskin.

Catatan 14 juni 2014
Ray bingung kembali. Entah sudah berapa kali. Tuhan tahu betul cara membuat umat-Nya berpikir dan berkomunikasi dengan-Nya. Berikan saja masalah. Lalu tawarkan solusi yang terlihat paling memungkinkan. Biarkan si manusia mencerna solusi ini. Biasanya si manusi timbul harapan. Keimanannya kepada Tuhan semakin tumbuh dengan tawaran solusi ini. Di tengah puji syukurnya kepada Tuhan atas dugaan rencana yang indah ini,

Catatan 11 juni 2014

Ia memutuskan untuk merelakan dirinya dipanggil Raul. Tepatnya mulai ia berumur 27 tahun. Nama lengkapnya terdiri dari 4 kata yang semuanya bisa menjadi nama panggilan. Raul dirasa paling tepat untuk pekerjaan yang ia tekuni sekarang. Namanya harus bernada kuat, baik secara dilafalkan atau dituliskan dalam headline koran-koran nantinya. 2 suku kata, namun bisa dilafalkan dalam sekali hembus. Ia mebayangkan Raul seperti sebuah batu kasar tak berbentuk yang kuat dan kokoh. Kegunaan batu ini hanya untuk menghancurkan benda lain yang lebih lemah. Tidak lebih. Ia percaya dengan kekuatan kata-kata. Hanya nama ini yang menguatkan dia dalam bekerja. Bukan nama marga dari seorang Ayah, nama panggilan sayang kekasih atau ibu, bahkan nama tokoh yang dihormati. Tidak ada nama lain dalam hidupnya.

Kata anak buahnya, ia adalah reinkarnasi Hitler dan George Carlin. Ia bisa sangat menakutkan saat melucu atau lucu saat menakutkan. “Pak Raul itu setan dalam wujud terbaiknya. Mengerikan, tapi menghibur. Bagaimana donk?” Keluh sekretaris Raul. Dua-duanya tidak ada yang menguntungkan anak buahnya…..

Saya dan Karya Seni

The Delusional Man and The Possessive Visual

To witness a perfection of face
And no avail to touch the tip
Are a mortal agony

The eyes seize all the pleasure
Leaving other senses in imagination and misery
An ecstatic and selfish enjoyment
One sense with unbearable desire
A suffocation is its reward

One would never know a beauty can crush and torment this soul
A beauty that linger around your neck gently
So every breath and heart beat thumping each other
As the consciousness suppressed by this thrill
Sets you in peril
Being the one with devoid of feel
The thing that never reaches you end up pains you the most

Saya dan Karya Seni

Another Trip Down Memory Lane

Just soda and crackers
we owned the night
Extending it to years of joy,
years of laughter
and the silence of life left us a space
the absence of light gave us a time
to look on every corner of shared memory
where they were flashing like a blitz in our pitch-black mind
yet, we smiled to them,
the younger version of us,
with a suppressed ecstatic feeling
and a wistful look on our face

the night was eternal
memories streched longer
but dreams propel farther

we don’t dream big
we dream far…
as far as we can walk together